ROYAL WEDDING

Folks unless you’re Mille Bobby Brown’s bad ear I’m sure by now you have heard that the world's most famous tight end is engaged to Travis Kelce. 

When these two cats got together, like many of you, I had some healthy skepticism on this relationship lasting longer than a few months. I don’t know much about Taylor Swift other than she is currently fucking over a guy named Scooter. But, the reason I wasn’t sure this would last is more in what I know about 87 and his dedication to the craft on the gridiron. Being in the most famous relationship in the world isn’t for everyone and the distraction can drive you to lose some of the vision that got you to the top of your game. I’m not saying Killatrav would have quit football and start to brief some of Adolf Hitler’s material if this relationship didn’t work out but Kanye West didn’t set a great precedent here. 

Having said all that, we here at Coachdukessports.com are ELATED for Travis and Taylor and couldn’t be more excited for what the future holds for them on the field, in the studio, and in their home life.  Nothing makes me smile more than when the kid from cleveland heights makes a big play and throws up the heart sign to his one true love in the suite and the camera pans to Taylor celebrating her man. Their connection is beautiful and will live in the echelons of the greatest tag teams of all time. Lewis & Clark, Milk & Cookies, The Hardy Boyz, and now Travis & Taylor.

Now we have a wedding to plan. Lets get into the particulars.

Wedding Party

Ushers:

Austin Swift - This feels like the safest play on the board. Every great wedding planner knows that if you have that weird sibling or cousin you want to be part of the day but don’t want them fucking up the vibes you make them an usher. Until I sat down to do some research on this article I wasn’t actually aware that this guy existed, but he seems like a nice enough guy that should be able to get the aunties and uncles that everyone forgot was still alive to their seats. 

Jackson Mahomes – You’re going to need to work with me on this one, but speaking of friendly guys. Jack Mahomes might be the most social guy inside of that entire Chiefs organization. Every twenty something I have ran into that currently lives in Kansas City has not only seen him out and about, they usually have a story on the guy. A common theme of these stories?  Guy likes to have a great god damn time. Thats the energy you need at the usher position. Lets get him 3-4 high noons in the dressing room before hand (no white stuff) and lets get him moving people to their seats.

Best Man:

Jason Kelce - The only thing that doesn’t make this a mortal lock is Killatrav very well could go with the double best man situation. I don’t have a whole lot else to add here other than he is probably going to try way too hard on the speech and if ESPN gets its hands on it we’ll never hear the end of it. 

Best Woman:

Sabrina Caprenter- I’ll be honest I don’t know a fucking thing about if Taylor Swift has any friends. The only woman I’ve seen her with publicly is Ice Spice and Sabrina Carpenter and I think Taylor is just racist enough to give the nod to Sabrina if it comes down to those two. I wouldn’t mind if ESPN got their hands on her speech as long as she does something performative on the “Hey have you ever tried this one?” 

Groomsmen:

Patrick Mahomes - QB1. Brothers from other mothers. Greatest 1-2 punch in NFL history. I need no other words to explain this one. Unless Brittany has him on a pitch count I think theres a good chance 15 forces his way on the mic towards the end of the night after about his 17th Coors Light and starts barking out his snap count trying to draw the people on the dance floor offside. 

Miles Teller - All time vibes guy. I’ve heard he was the one who set up Travis and Taylor so it would make sense to make him pay for a tuxedo. I didn’t really like Top Gun 2, but I thought he killed it in War Dogs. 

Eric Hosmer - We talk a lot about Mahomes and Kelce’s connection, but we don’t often talk about this one. From 2014-2016 these two ballplayers were the most powerful people in the state of missouri. Eric at first base, Travis with his hand in the mud. Kids wanted to be them. Ladies wanted to be on them. Kansas City legends turned podcasters. No idea if they are still friends they used to tweet at each other a lot. 

Jack Cochrane - If you google “Jack Cochrane and Travis Kelce” the results may not look like this relationship would result in 43 getting a nod at the head table, but I beg to differ. Travis is going to need to get a few teammates outside of Patrick in here so he optically looks like a great teammate and who better than the guy who publicly brawled with him just about 24 months ago and is maybe the 4th best looking guy on the team.

Harrison Butker - Perhaps the best teammate of Travis’s when it comes to commanding the microphone and sending a message. 7 doesnt strike me as a guy who deviates from maybe a couple glasses of wine at dinner, but by god if Miles Teller could peer pressure him to mix a few whiskeys into his evening we could be in for a rendition of Paul Dano (7) baptising Daniel Day-Lewis (87). Youtube that one if you haven’t seen that motion picture.

Groomsladies:

Kylie Kelce - Feel like this one has a chance at best woman as well, but I think Taylor is smart enough to know that Kylie was cheering for the eagles in the last superbowl and from what I hear Taylor is petty AF and wont forget that.  14 beers

Ice Spice - Blacked out

Brittany Mahomes - Won’t speak on another man’s wife out of respect

Keleigh Sperry - Mi Tell’s wife. 1 beer for confidence

Abigail Anderson- Google tells me they are childhood friends?  Also blacked out 

First Dances

Taylor and Scott Swift - It feels tacky to dance to one of her songs and it also doesn’t. I think Daughters by John Mayer is most likely off the table..  SO if they do go with someone elses song I’m going to guess her and scott do Live Like You’re Dying by Tim McGraw. 

Travis and Donna Kelce - This one is nearly a mortal lock for me. Jason is Donna’s clear number one child until Travis starts getting her grandkids so with that they will try and pander to the eagles brass in attendance. Mommas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys by Waylon Jennings is the pick 

Travis and Taylor - So Highschool (song kind of sucked btw) 

Wedding Party Callout - Swag Surfin (Taylor’s Version) is the only correct answer here 

The Venu

GEHA Field - If we are selling tickets to this thing, obvious choice. But I don’t think we are. 

Rock and Roll Hall of Fame - I don’t hate this one. The rock and roll hall of fame for no reason at all is in Cleveland Ohio where Travis grew up.  It’s mostly rock and some fluid hip-hop indie groups that have been admitted but Taylor could be the first strictly pop-country artist to be admitted. This would be a great pandering pick. 

Amana Gathering Barn - I’ve had siblings and cousins galore get married here, it seats like 500 people. Its in the middle of nowhere but just a thought 

Embassy Suites Country Club Plaza Kansas City - This is the only right answer. It’s in the heart of Kansas City and it is the exact definition of luxury.  It has a beautiful wide open lobby and hotel area that could easily be converted into the ballroom for the dreamiest wedding of all time. The parking is easy and the rooms are pristine beyond belief with definitely no plumbing issues or issues with the small balconies outside the rooms. 

The Menu

Cocktail hour - If were doing this at the plaza embassy lets let them handle it. Pretzels, wine, beer, chips and salsa

Main Course - Due to the fact that Taylor’s army is as diverse as we can get were going to need a non animal harming option but Travis family (and taylor) is going to want some meat I can promise that.  Lets do a Steak and asparagus for the meat eaters, and a chicken alfredo (you can sans the chicken if you relate to them) with broccoli for the animal conscious people. 

Dessert - Outside of Taylor’s the best cake in the Kansas City is Hyvee and theres no reason to keep digging beyond that. We should employ Shatto Milk to bring in some milk to go with the cake. 

Banned List

We have to employ serious security as this will try to be the most wedding crashed wedding ever. Here are the list of names I’m giving those guys to keep the fuck out 

1. Scooter Braun

2. Jake Gyllenhall

3. Victor Malloy

4. Joe Jonas

5. John Mayer

6. Noah Heitshusen

7. Justin Bieber

8. Joey Zoucha

9. Taylor Lautner

10. Chiefsaholic 

11. Joe Alwyn (that was a mistake)

12. Bruce Bochy

13. Brian Kelly 

14. Tom Hiddelston 

15. Kayla Nicole

16. Gracie Hunt

17. Keegan Cassidy

18. John Mayer 

19. Matt Healy 

20. Romeo Crennel 

21. Tom Hiddleston

22. Calvin Harris

23. Hagen Fouch 

24. Harry Styles

25. Megahn Markle 

Lets all wish Travis and Taylor our best wishes and if we are Matt Nagy lets get Noah Gray a little more playing time.

Love you guys 

Dukes