CFB 25 Preview

CFB 2025 PREVIEW

Ladies and gentlemen, can you feel that cool autumn wind starting to pick up?  Have you started noticing the sun going down a little earlier? You know who hasn’t?  Ozzy Osbourne because hes dead. You know who has? You fine people. There is no such joy in the tavern as upon the road thereto. Folks give yourself a pat on the back we’re about to start doing shots of football.

Were going to dive into the picks here in a second. First I'd like to hold a quick moment of silence for the what seems to be the many heros who found the emergency exit door on life this past year. Ozzy Osbourne, Gene Hackman, Bob Eucker, Pope Francis, Val Kilmer, Hulk Hogan, if you would please bow your head, close your eyes, and remember its not goodbye, it's I'll see you later, except for maybe Hulk and Ozzy.  Thank you

Also Pope Francis didn't die I made that shit up. 

Next I wanted to talk about my time in Las Vegas for Big Ten Media days. While I can’t share much of the after hours happenings on here (know what i’m sayyyin fellas?) what I can share is that, just like last year, 99% of the beat writers and journalists covering this sport are complete morons. It’s one thing to be a dumbasshole (trying that word out) it's another thing to be a dumbasshole with an AP vote.  When I say my colleagues fucked up this top 25 I mean they sold it to Jeff Epstein at a young age wished it well. 

Lets take a look at my top 25 that was submitted to the associated press. Also, if anyone who works at the Bellagio is reading this, me and Coach Lockesly apologize about the shower head. 

Dukes Top 25 

1. Georgia (I was the 1 vote)

2. Clemson

3. Ohio 

4. Miami 

5. Missouri

6. Indiana

7. Auburn

8. Texas A&M

9. Iowa

10. Illinois 

11. Georgia Tech 

12. Texas 

13. Colorado 

14. Michigan 

15. State Penn

16. Florida State 

17. Alabama 

18. Oklahoma 

19. Syracuse 

20. Michigan State 

21. South Florida 

22. Iowa State 

23. Arizona State 

24. Houston

25. Pittsburgh

With that out of the way; check the air pressure in your vehicle’s tires, replace the air filter on your furnace, vaccum your stairs and most importantly take out a fucking note pad for this shit.

SEC

Auburn over 8 wins -110

• When it comes to getting it done in the SEC it takes Jimmys and Joes way more often than it takes a head coach who isn’t chronically horny on twitter.  SEC Burnerverse is creating a tidal wave on the everything app and Coach Freeze is surfing this thing a lot better than that broad who got her arm ripped off by a shark in that movie. They’ll sweep their non-con and the play here is their road SEC schezzi: Oklahoma, TAMU, Arkansas, Vandy. Im high on OK and Elko but 3-1 there isn’t out of the question. If they stuff Baylor in a locker like I think they will week one this one is all systems go. 

Alabama under 9.5 wins -110 

• Carpetbagging is traditionally referred to as an act of an educated northerner moving to the south and engaging in acts to compel southerners that they are misinformed and exploiting their interest for this northerners own personal gain.  I’m not calling Kalen Deboer a carpetbagger but he will be fired in less than 2 years and this team will lose 4 games. I get he gets Ryan Grubb back, I saw a clip on the instagram of DK Metcalf chewing his ass, I ask myself what conference did he play in, I says he played in the SEC. I think Grubb is a moron in disguise. Florida State beats them week one. 

Florida under 7.5 wins -115

• This one keeps me up at night. Me and Billy Napier have been through a lot together. From his time stunning Ames Iowa as 14 point underdog in ~2021 at LA Lafayette to him going General Sherman on the SEC late last season to secure the win total over. We’ve won a lot of money together. He’s built a special group. He doesn’t have a quarterback. The backup left to WAKE, his starter knows hes a first round pick if healthy which hes not.  Billy is between a rock and becoming an analyst at Oregon. Miami, Mississippi, LSU, TAMU on the road. Thats three there not including having Texas, South Florida, Tenn, and Florida State at home. They’re fucked

Missouri over 7.5 wins +120

• They lost Luther Burden and Brady Cook oh nooooooo….. Fuck off Coach Drink doesn’t give a shit about the offensive side of the ball. This is why they have been ingratiated into the SEC better than any add on we've seen recently. Ive been hearing reports out of camp that this defense resembles that of a classic saban, paterno, parker defense. They may struggle week one with Central Arkansas as they find their footing but if they beat the fuck out of Lance Leipolds dumbasshole week two this is the easiest bet on the board. Paws UP ( I don’t think they actually say that but it felt right)

Sprinkles

• Georgia to win conference +330 and I’d also take a flyer on LSU +700

ACC

Florida State over 7 wins -115

• If you ever want a song to queue up in your car before you head into work the FSU War Chant on spotify is a decent selection. Nothing goes harder than Doak Campbell on a Saturday night which is why this win total is so low. FSU plays 5 home games this year. If you were having a conversation with the AD you would use words like “crazy,” “moronic,” “fireable offense”. If you were having a conversation with head coach Mike Norvell he would say "opportunity," “revenge,” “win these or im fired boys.”  That being said I don’t really like a single thing about this team other than I don’t think anyone in the world believes in them.  You can use that in the locker room. And I still have my flute. 

Georgia Tech over 7.5 wins -150

• This one is dicey. There is a non zero chance these kids lose at colorado at altitude, and turn around and lose to clemson two weeks later at home. The beauty in this is if they keep the locker room together after that stretch, They don’t play shit until rivalry week vs. Georgia.  I’m guessing the win total is so low because Vegas knows Haynes King basically has a timeshare in the injury tent and has a pussy ass first name like Haynes. That being said no one and I mean no one is more ready to go to bat for this young englishman than me.  Wramblin Wreck

Sprinkles

• Not a huge value but I like Miami +170 to make the yoffs. Haynes King 900/1 Heisman 

BIG 12 

We Comin over 5.5 wins -120

• PLAY ME MY DURN THEME MUSIC!  Superbowl Champ, Almost a World Series Champ, Beat Cancer, Heisman Winner Coach, Multiple Retired Jerseys Coach, and 100% ATS on pre season win totals. Listen folks this is actually insane that its the same line as last year when it comes to Colorado win total. They lost 6 NFL players including the Heisman winner. This isn’t adding up, shouldn’t it be like 4.5? I’m calling this bluff and for good reason. I think they actually upgrade at QB (sorry 2) and their offensive line will actually be vastly improved to where I think they might run a decent bit.  Their defense doesn’t take much of a step back either with multiple NFL prospects in the secondary. They need to play the run better, but you essentially have a similar team to last year and I will always and I mean always bet on Prime Time. 

Iowa State over 7.5 wins +115

• If you couldn’t tell from the Colorado write up I love certain coaches. Which in the Big 12 matters a lot. The Big 12 is the Chopped Kitchen where each coach is pretty much opening a basket of the same ingredients and you’re just betting on which coach is going to be able to whip something up the judges will like. I wouldn’t focus too much on personnel. At least, I’m not with the clones. Matt Campbell's teams, much like Ghislane Maxwell here in a few weeks, just wake up every morning ready to go to work. That blue collar attitude usually gets you bowling and then they just need to pick off two schlums in this conference. If you've watched chopped you know the ones who come in there saying they work at rocky mountian chocolate factory but they are ready to show they have real fine cuisine skills usually fuck up the apetizer and are out quick. You can find two of those on anyones schedule. Kind of like FSU I haven’t a clue how they are going to move the ball but I trust Campbell to souffle something that resembles an offense.  

Okie State over 4.5 wins -200

• Mike Gundy missed a bowl game last season I think for the first time since like 2004. Many of the college football pundits have started putting narratives on the old ball coach that he’s on his way out, he’s old and senile and can’t keep up with this ever changing CFB landscape. I think thats all bullshit and the answer is very simple, election year.  Yes while many people remember Mike Gundy dropping sound bytes admitting to casual drinking and driving last summer, what gets lost is him having a full plate in the political arena going to bat for his close personal friend President Donald J Trump.  This has happened before.  2020 cowboys 8-3.  2021 cowboys 12-2.  Once Mike can breathe easy his boy is at work on pennsylvania avenue he can get back to coaching his team. And if he learned one thing from the Don, he never heard no bell. Pistols Firing

Sprinkles

• Colorado +850 to make the B12 title game don’t like a lot in this league.

BIG TEN

Michigan State over 5.5 wins -140

• Lot of juice on this one but by far the easiest play on the board. This one strictly goes back to scheduling. BIG10 @ USC, OFF BYE NEB, IU, MINN, IA.  I know the landscape is changing but I tend to believe all things staying the same thats a soft ass road schezzi for a coach like John Smith and QB like Aiden Chiles. Mich State has this innate ability to keep every game close and I do think if you can do that and have the QB upperhand which they will probably 50% of the time you will win. I think they will go 8-4 ceiling 10-2 floor 6-6 

State Penn under 10.5 wins -115

• I’ve been scouting quarterbacks for close to a half century and my official report on Drew Allar is that he’s big and dumb.  As someone who himself has been accused of such allegations I can tell Drew that the best defense is to maybe lose some weight because dumb follows you around after 20.  That being said the hype on State Penn is that they hired Mike Gundy and Ryan Day’s guy Jimmy Knowles to give the defensive signals and while I expect them to be pretty good on that side of the ball we are not giving proper credit to Andy Kotilnicki manaj or whatever the fuck his name is for creating the andy reid alex smith offense where they dont throw to receivers. Will that work again? It didn’t for the chiefs in 2014, they missed the playoffs because you can’t out scheme a terrible fucking pass game. They’ll still win 9 games I think, but in the middle of their schezzi is @ Iowa (pry at night), bye, @ Ohio (pry at night), and then home vs Indiana who should be tough. The tickler file has the following week at Mich State as a let down spot should they survive that, and then Nebraska and Matt Rhule (who I think is good) come to town pry needing a win for bowl eligibility. They aren’t prepared to deal with a target on their back. I’ll also never forgive them for what they did to those kids and I’m pretty sure Cael knew. 

Iowa under 7.5 wins -140

• The scars remind us that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to FEEELLL.  I wrestled with this one vigorously.  Many of my colleagues in the college football media world are high on Iowa. The offense appears to be building back what was once a staple in Iowa football; A nasty offensive line. FCS Heisman winning QB turns down Miami for Iowa City. Experienced RB room, TE room always loaded. It looks set to go. I stare at the scars of these previous transfer QBs and hold a bleak one wick candle of hope for Gronkowski. He seems confident right now, but if shit goes bad vs. ISU is he still going to believe he belongs. The more real problem is the Back 7 on defense. I love phil parker but he has basically just been reloading with stud after stud in that area and this feels like the first instance where they are coaching new guys while not also having a pass rush stud. Kirk will find a way to make a bowl game but I could see this shit getting off the rails as well. Hope I’m wrong.

Final Thoughts 

• Locks: Alabama under, Missouri Over, Florida State Over, Mich State Over, Penn State Under. That will go 3-2

• I normally only cover the P4 but if I could include Notre Dame its an under if they start CJ Carr. The other guy they’ll be fine 

• I was going to try and add pictures this year but frankly I just dont know how to add em. Next year maybe

• I love you all and thank you for tuning in 

From Around The League 

Javelin - Miami u9.5, Texas O9.5, Mich u8.5, Cinci u6.5, WV O5.5, ML Mateer Heisman

Freight - Tex O9.5, Mich O8.5, ILL O7.5, IA O7.5, ISU +1100 B12 champ, J. Smith Heisman

The Judge - Colorado u5.5, JMU O7.5(-180)

Pie Man - Florida O7.5, Arkansas u5.5

North Loop - Utah O7.5, Vandy u5.5, SC O7.5, Utah +280 to make the Conf. Championship game 

Fuck Megahn Markle